[ Living In The Fairytale ]

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

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I don't know if I came up to blog for myself or just to prove that I can do what others will do.. I bother myself too much with what others think, with what might happen.. Jeff is right, I just bother myself too much with such stuff.. there are times when I want to ask him, has he ever regretted choosing me, one whose background is so different from his, who has so much restrictions that he has to accomodate, whose mindset is so different from his.. though he says he loves me, though I may know so, every close gf he has, makes me feel inadequate.. always have a feeling there will come a day when we have a conflict, when we are not talking to each other, he will turn to one of them, to confide in, to seek solace.. I think too much, you say.. yes I do, indeed, but that was partly how we got so close isn't it? we used to be able to talk till dawn, now it seems we can hardly hold a conversation together for more than 30min, we are both preoccupied with our own thoughts.. thinking back, I can't remember much of what we talk about, except for Lena and his past stories.. I do not remember what I've said before, only what he has said.. do I love him any lesser for all these? No, no... I still love him.. that's why all these are impt to me.. how I wish I could write in Chinese now, it probably expresses my words better.. over these few days, I tried to find out why I feel so vulnerable, then I realise my sense of security is diminishing.. like a wall crumbling.. I'm not blaming anyone, no, don't get me wrong, when things happen, it cannot be one person's fault, everyone has a part.. but I'm slowly learning, to manage my expectations, not to be too surprised when something I have been expecting, something I thought I will get does not come to pass.. You say I'm materialistic, I'm so shallow.. I heard that, allow me a chance to explain myself.. I only want to know that I am on his mind, that like a normal boyfriend to a girlfriend, when he sees something, it will remind him of me, and he will think of getting it for me, just like he will see certain things and he gets them for his friends.. it's not the thing I'm looking for, I don't care if it's the cheapest thing on earth, I only want to have that little bit of gan3 dong4 when he surprises me with it.. Dear, I want you to know that I love you very much, when you are happy, everything else doesn't matter, including my unhappiness, when you are not happy, everything is grey.. when you are angry with me, my day is like a living hell.. I don't take this love for granted, I want to protect it, and guard myself from temptations, never allowing others to even cross my mind.. A friend asked me once if I thought it possible for one to love two people at the same time, my answer was an immediate "No".. She then said why not.. then I realised not everyone views love the same way as I do, sounds funny, but I was shocked to learn that.. I believe you love me too, but when you realise one day that there's someone else you can't forget, please don't try to fit her into your life with me, let me out, there will be more room, you will not be stifled.. These are things that I have wanted to say, but didn't say coz he will be very angry, he will think I do not trust him, but that's not true.. It's myself that I don't believe in.. I'm dreadfully unhappy, and I can't say.. I hate myself for only being preoccupied with myself, when there are other people I need to show concern for, to bless.. all these will end here, I don't want to bring it with me anymore, God, I release it to You.. in exchange for Your joy, Your peace, Your grace..

In The Fairyland On|1/31/2006 03:51:00 AM|