[ Living In The Fairytale ]

Thursday, July 12, 2007

**//

been so long since i'm publishing a post.. was reading my past posts, in one of them, i said that i only blog when i feel like crap, well.. i guess it's not very true, though it is a form of release outlet when i don't feel good.. i may sound like a narcissist (did i spell it right? ha), but i enjoyed reading my past posts, haha.. thought i wrote rather well.. :p how have i been this past yr? hmmz.. it has been a challenge, mentally.. God has been gracious, i still do battle thoughts of self doubt and inadequacy, at least i don't entertain thoughts of death now.. i know they are not of myself nor the Holy Spirit, the moment they come into my mind now, i learn to be more aware of the danger signs.. was showering just now, as usual, felt really bad towards some friends who were once close to me, yet i did not manage to keep them, coz i rather withdrew when i had problems and failed to contribute to the friendship.. the sense of guilt has never quite lifted from me.. i know that if i tell jeff, he will just tell me to set it right, and stop thinking abt it.. which is probably true, but i'm not brave enough to do it.. same goes for some of the people in my team, i guess it came to a point in which they have sorta lost all respect for me, and i probably won't gain it back.. it bugged me too, that i have a feeling jasmine didn't really want to talk to me the few times we saw each other, but she probably had loads on her mind too, i only hope it wasn't coz it's me.. many times when i thought of all these, i wonder if i'm trying to shorten my lifespan.. ha.. coz i felt so so down after that.. i love jeff, and it has been a good thing that he is now in SOT, coz it has brought him so much closer to God, and for me, back to Him, when i felt i prob can't take life anymore, and thought of death seriously.. now it's much better, when i start reading the Bible more regularly again.. egwin's right, the Word of God is a cleansing agent that even though i may not understand certain things written, yet my heart's lifted up, my mind's renewed.. sometimes i probably don't even know it.. it feels so good to blog again, though being the conservative me, i won't express my thoughts 100% for everyone to read, haha.. it's a little too much exposure, though i know i need to be transparent for pple to get into my life.. but i would like to just retain this part of privacy in my life.. till next time (hopefully not next yr)..

In The Fairyland On|7/12/2007 10:02:00 PM|