For the umpteenth time, i wonder how i got myself into this mess.. so many reasons whirled in my mind.. love.. an inability to stand up for what i don't believe in.. self-centredness.. or just pure selfishness.. i hate myself when i'm trapped like this.. of course i have a choice, just that either way leads to total frustration and increasing depression, or others view of how i'm just being a bitch.. well.. i've made the decision, so i'll live with it..
just had a deliverance ministry today.. i should have responded to the altar call, esp when pst was asking for those with fear in their lives, or harbour suicidal thoughts, i missed it twice, last nite and today.. i'm too bogged down by pride.. and now i just don't feel a sense of relief.. i'm frustrated that there doesn't seem to be a breakthrough in my team, and i'm angry with myself that i'm not doing a lot about it, am i autistic or what? the leaders around me have been great, they are probably why i am still sticking around, believing that i can still make a difference, though my belief diminishes esp when i'm alone.. i almost felt as if i was going crazy last week, the hormonal imbalance that comes whenever i'm having menses just makes it worse, there are days when i feel that i'm just one step away from self-destruction.. gosh.. the sense of uselessness, of self-contempt weighs so heavily within me that it becomes difficult to wake to each day sometimes.. but i know that deep within me, my spirit man still hasn't give up, coz the internal struggle is so strong, so real.. i know what i have to do..
weekend's now become my most dreaded days, together with tues.. this week's especially tough.. full days plus duty.. jeff's also feeling the heat too, he has his own challenges.. and i haven't been the most supportive partner.. i don't like what i'm doing now..
just came back from watching harry potter, was quite surprised it was only 2hrs, they really summarised the whole thing.. well it's good so that audience get an overview, but those who don't read the book will not be able to appreciate certain things.. favourite part of the movie.. when the school rules came crashing down, wow.. it wasn't the most spectacular effect of the whole movie, but the mental impact was there for me.. i felt a sense of gratification, another form of release which in real life i will probably suppress.. i'm not against rules, coz they give order, but redundant rules get to me big time.. they may not be written in black and white sometimes, but the notion of pple implying to me that they should be followed makes me want to swear, haha.. i'm just glad that the scene expressed what i could not say.. going to sleep now..
ended work an hr ago, super tired.. jeff is going to be very busy for the next three weeks planning for a mission trip, should i take leave? haha.. am very tempted to take a break, from everything, not just work.. like what i told rina, i wanna go wonderland, to find alice, hahahaha.. ok, it's lame, i know, but i'm thinking something along that line.. ha.. met up with siwan a few days ago, and got to know she went to australia with hanxing and she bought me a pair of earrings and a little koala (again, haha).. always look forward to that once in three months' date with siwan, it's never awkward, and we always have things we can talk about.. it's a good feeling, coz though i get to know more pple as i grow older, i've felt loneliness creeping in me more often, recently.. though i know i shouldn't feel this way.. so it's good that there are just certain things that will not change, for the worst i mean, or for the neutral, haha..
been so long since i'm publishing a post.. was reading my past posts, in one of them, i said that i only blog when i feel like crap, well.. i guess it's not very true, though it is a form of release outlet when i don't feel good.. i may sound like a narcissist (did i spell it right? ha), but i enjoyed reading my past posts, haha.. thought i wrote rather well.. :p how have i been this past yr? hmmz.. it has been a challenge, mentally.. God has been gracious, i still do battle thoughts of self doubt and inadequacy, at least i don't entertain thoughts of death now.. i know they are not of myself nor the Holy Spirit, the moment they come into my mind now, i learn to be more aware of the danger signs.. was showering just now, as usual, felt really bad towards some friends who were once close to me, yet i did not manage to keep them, coz i rather withdrew when i had problems and failed to contribute to the friendship.. the sense of guilt has never quite lifted from me.. i know that if i tell jeff, he will just tell me to set it right, and stop thinking abt it.. which is probably true, but i'm not brave enough to do it.. same goes for some of the people in my team, i guess it came to a point in which they have sorta lost all respect for me, and i probably won't gain it back.. it bugged me too, that i have a feeling jasmine didn't really want to talk to me the few times we saw each other, but she probably had loads on her mind too, i only hope it wasn't coz it's me.. many times when i thought of all these, i wonder if i'm trying to shorten my lifespan.. ha.. coz i felt so so down after that.. i love jeff, and it has been a good thing that he is now in SOT, coz it has brought him so much closer to God, and for me, back to Him, when i felt i prob can't take life anymore, and thought of death seriously.. now it's much better, when i start reading the Bible more regularly again.. egwin's right, the Word of God is a cleansing agent that even though i may not understand certain things written, yet my heart's lifted up, my mind's renewed.. sometimes i probably don't even know it.. it feels so good to blog again, though being the conservative me, i won't express my thoughts 100% for everyone to read, haha.. it's a little too much exposure, though i know i need to be transparent for pple to get into my life.. but i would like to just retain this part of privacy in my life.. till next time (hopefully not next yr)..
I don't know if I came up to blog for myself or just to prove that I can do what others will do.. I bother myself too much with what others think, with what might happen.. Jeff is right, I just bother myself too much with such stuff.. there are times when I want to ask him, has he ever regretted choosing me, one whose background is so different from his, who has so much restrictions that he has to accomodate, whose mindset is so different from his.. though he says he loves me, though I may know so, every close gf he has, makes me feel inadequate.. always have a feeling there will come a day when we have a conflict, when we are not talking to each other, he will turn to one of them, to confide in, to seek solace.. I think too much, you say.. yes I do, indeed, but that was partly how we got so close isn't it? we used to be able to talk till dawn, now it seems we can hardly hold a conversation together for more than 30min, we are both preoccupied with our own thoughts.. thinking back, I can't remember much of what we talk about, except for Lena and his past stories.. I do not remember what I've said before, only what he has said.. do I love him any lesser for all these? No, no... I still love him.. that's why all these are impt to me.. how I wish I could write in Chinese now, it probably expresses my words better.. over these few days, I tried to find out why I feel so vulnerable, then I realise my sense of security is diminishing.. like a wall crumbling.. I'm not blaming anyone, no, don't get me wrong, when things happen, it cannot be one person's fault, everyone has a part.. but I'm slowly learning, to manage my expectations, not to be too surprised when something I have been expecting, something I thought I will get does not come to pass.. You say I'm materialistic, I'm so shallow.. I heard that, allow me a chance to explain myself.. I only want to know that I am on his mind, that like a normal boyfriend to a girlfriend, when he sees something, it will remind him of me, and he will think of getting it for me, just like he will see certain things and he gets them for his friends.. it's not the thing I'm looking for, I don't care if it's the cheapest thing on earth, I only want to have that little bit of gan3 dong4 when he surprises me with it.. Dear, I want you to know that I love you very much, when you are happy, everything else doesn't matter, including my unhappiness, when you are not happy, everything is grey.. when you are angry with me, my day is like a living hell.. I don't take this love for granted, I want to protect it, and guard myself from temptations, never allowing others to even cross my mind.. A friend asked me once if I thought it possible for one to love two people at the same time, my answer was an immediate "No".. She then said why not.. then I realised not everyone views love the same way as I do, sounds funny, but I was shocked to learn that.. I believe you love me too, but when you realise one day that there's someone else you can't forget, please don't try to fit her into your life with me, let me out, there will be more room, you will not be stifled.. These are things that I have wanted to say, but didn't say coz he will be very angry, he will think I do not trust him, but that's not true.. It's myself that I don't believe in.. I'm dreadfully unhappy, and I can't say.. I hate myself for only being preoccupied with myself, when there are other people I need to show concern for, to bless.. all these will end here, I don't want to bring it with me anymore, God, I release it to You.. in exchange for Your joy, Your peace, Your grace..
Shirley
birthed forth into this garden of illusions
on 19 Sep 1981,
loving but not believing in the stars,
and nv want to be found again
[ My Adores ]
Flowers, butterflies, beautiful things.. and my dear ^^
[ My Hates ]
My cowardice
[ My Wishlist ]
Happiness
Assurance
Able to go into the fire and come out refined like gold
[ My Mood ]
[ My Past Wishes ]
*July 2004
*August 2004
*November 2004
*January 2005
*June 2005
*August 2005
*January 2006
*July 2007
*January 2009